Lost Before the Dawn
by Fairy.Kai
Summary: Teddy Lupin’s best friend visits his grave. She’d give anything just to be with him. But he wasn’t hers. He never was. “Sixteen years, four months, twenty-three days.” That was how long I had loved Teddy Lupin...


_Disclaimer: Don't own... The lyrics are from Evanescence's Lost Before The Dawn... _

**L****ost Before the Dawn**

**Meet me after dark again and I'll hold you**

**I want nothing more than to see you there**

I had only ever lost Teddy Lupin three times in my life. Once was when I, quite literally, lost him in Hogsmeade. We were thirteen then. The second time was infinitely more painful, more heart wrenching. It was when my best friend fell in love with Victoire Weasley. I had never felt so shattered in my entire existence. The third time, I lost Teddy Lupin to the ultimate enemy. And I never found him again.

I cried my eyes out on his wedding day. I'm sure many obsessed girls did, but not like me. The only source of comfort I had was Dominique Weasley, the single person who knew of my adoration for the groom.

I had loved him when we became best friends at the age of eleven, standing side by side on Platform Nine-and-Three-Quarters. I loved him through the entirety of our schooling years.

Sure, I dated other boys, just like he dated other girls. But until we finished school I had never worried about them. I had always thought he would wake up one day and realised that he loved me, because I knew he did. Teddy just didn't recognise the feeling.

But then he kissed _her_.

I knew it was over the moment he got back from seeing off his 'cousins' on the Platform, a year into his Auror training.

Victoire Weasley.

If she wasn't so astonishingly perfect for him, I would have hated her. In a way I did hate her. I hated her for her perfection. But I didn't resent it. Teddy deserved someone who was perfect, who was his equal, who loved him as much as I did.

And she did love him like I did. Which was the main reason I couldn't find it within myself to hate her. She adored Teddy Lupin the way I loved him and what stung was that he loved her back.

I invited her and Teddy to dinner at my flat during her Easter break, and that only sealed my determination to keep them together. She was beautiful, with her bright red hair and ocean-blue eyes, her creamy skin and shy blush. I could see their connection when they stared at each other, it practically sizzled.

It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would, because I knew they were meant to be together.

I couldn't begrudge him his happiness, even if it was sacrificing my own. In a way, I think I loved him more than Victoire did. I loved him enough to be able to sit back and watch him fall head over heels for another girl. A girl that could make him happier than I could.

OOO

"_Norah," he knocked on the door of my flat. I didn't know why he didn't just burst in – he usually did. "Norah Phillips, open up. I have something really important to tell you."_

_I groaned but threw a dressing gown on over my tattered pyjamas. I padded down the hall, rubbing the sleep from my hazel eyes and brushing my brown hair out of my eyes. I glanced at my watch. One-thirty in the morning. Teddy Lupin was a dead-man. I opened the door._

_I knew what had happened as soon as I saw his face. His tanned cheeks were flushed with excitement and ... happiness. His chocolate eyes were bright with anticipation. His hair kept flickering from yellow to pink, the colours I had come to interpret as love. Teddy was a metamorphmagus, meaning that he could shift his appearance at will. Usually, his hair was a bright blue, but I had come to recognise the emotions that made it change colour. He was tall and well built; Auror training had done wonders for his physique – I remembered the skinny boy I went to school with._

"_Norah," he breathed as he stepped into my flat. I led him down the hall to the living room we were sat down on my well-worn couch, like we had many times before. "I asked Vic to marry me."_

_My heart shattered, but I forced a smile. I had been waiting for this day for two months, since Mrs Ginny Potter informed me that he had in fact picked out an engagement ring. I hadn't questioned him. I wasn't jealous either. Victoire Weasley deserved my Teddy. I could pick no one better for my best friend._

"_What did she say?" I whispered, though I already knew the answer._

"_Yes," he shouted, laughing joyously. He jumped up, pulling me from the couch and into the tightest of hugs. "She said yes!"_

_There was no hope for me, I thought sadly as he swung me, the girl he had considered his closest confidante since childhood, around my living room. But then again, there hadn't been much hope to begin with._

OOO

"Norah?" the six year old tugged on my sleeve, pulling me softly from my memory. "Auntie Dom's here."

I smiled down at the little girl; her shock of electric blue hair was pulled back into messy braids (I was still trying to figure out how to do them nicely). Her face looked like her dad's. Her skin was tanned, and she had his smile. But when I stared into Emma Lupin's ocean-blue orbs, all I could see was her mother.

Victoire.

Dominique Weasley had become my saving grace after the incident three years ago. I never fully recovered, I guess. Emma tugged on my hand and pulled me through the house. I had moved to the cottage after the accident, not wanting to disrupt the toddler's childhood anymore than it had already been overturned.

"Norah," greeted Dom, placing a cake on the kitchen bench. Emma eyed it thoughtfully, her hair turning a pale lilac colour. "How are you?" the red-headed woman asked me, pulling me into a one-armed hug as she put her bag down.

"I'm fine."

She shot me a look of disbelief before lifting up her niece and smothering her giggling face with kisses. Dom stayed for the rest of the afternoon. We watched a movie with Emma, and we talked about her work (she was a Curse-Breaker for Gringotts, to her father's delight) and mine (I was, or used to be, a musician). Not that I had much to tell her. I hadn't written anything since the incident.

The incident. Such an empty way of putting the cold-blooded murder of two innocent people... A random attack, they said. They _felt_ like it. The two beasts responsible were rotting in Azkaban now, but that didn't make me feel any better. What kind of justice was that?

Victoire and Teddy Lupin were murdered brutally in their home, by two renegade Death Eaters. The war had been over for at least thirty years and yet people still felt the need to bring it up again. To kill. To torture.

The only thing I can remember in gratitude that day was that Teddy had asked me to take Emma out. If I hadn't, their baby would probably be dead too.

**And maybe tonight, we'll fly so far away**

**We'll be lost before the dawn...**

"Hey, Norah," said Dom suddenly, just as she was walking out the door. "Tomorrow, are you...?"

My small smile slipped from my face. I stared hard at the floor. She had asked me this question on the same date for the last two years. "I don't know."

And my answer was always the same.

"I don't think I can."

Dom nodded, knowing not to push me. She figured that I'd be able to go there in my own time. That one day I'd finally be able to let go.

I wasn't so optimistic.

"Well, all of us are going down to the cemetery tomorrow afternoon, Mum asked me to see if we could have Emma there. I mean, she is their –"

"Of course!" I exclaimed. "You don't even have to ask. You know I would never dream of forbidding her from seeing them."

The red-haired part Veela nodded. "I told Mum that. Fleur seemed to think you didn't want her to go. But Molly said that you'd probably take her yourself."

I shook my head. "I wasn't planning on going. I figured Harry would just drop by and pick her up. That's what he did last year."

"I'll pick her up at lunch time, okay?" responded Dom after a moment's thought. "We're going at about two."

I nodded, my brown hair dipping over my shoulder. "That's fine. I'll see you tomorrow."

Dom left like she always did. Her heels clicking obnoxiously on the stones that led to the driveway, her cute little handbag flapping at her elbow, her short pixie cut of fiery strands tousled in the late afternoon wind.

She also left me with a gaping hole in my chest.

I hadn't forgotten what day tomorrow was. I had tried to, but the thought would not be banished from my head.

"Norah?" called Emma, drawing me back inside. "I think I killed the cat..."

I smiled, knowing that Pyjamas (strange name, I know; Teddy used to tease me) was only pretending. Jamy, as I preferred to call him, was part Kneazle. He was actually a descendant of Crookshanks, Emma's aunt Hermione's old cat. He was very intelligent and playful, and I found that the old bundle of fur loved Emma as much as me.

"Coming, sweetie," I replied, closing the door on the gusty weather outside.

That night, I dreamed vividly.

OOO

"_You need to visit me, Norah," he was saying. I stared at his hand. It was clutching my shoulder tenderly. "You need to let go."_

"_I know..." I whispered, a tear dribbling down my cheek._

_Teddy smiled and wiped it with the pad of his thumb. "You should come tomorrow night. It's the anniversary of our deaths, Norah. You can't pretend that you forgot, like last year, or that you are too upset, like the year before. Norah, you need this."_

_We were standing in the Gryffindor commonroom. He was wearing his dishevelled Hogwarts uniform and we were standing by the fire. I briefly registered Victoire and her fifth year friends sitting near the stairs._

"_I know I do," I was really crying now. People were staring. "I just –"_

_I broke off when Teddy suddenly turned into his godfather. Harry Potter turned a green-eyed glare on me. Beside him appeared Fleur Weasley, Victoire's mum. She looked as furious as Harry._

"_You loved him for this long!" Harry exclaimed, throwing his arms up. "Don't you owe him? You should visit his grave, Norah."_

"_He'd hate you if you didn't," inserted Fleur, her French accent obtrusive on every syllable. "My Victoire would visit him if she were in your place."_

_I sobbed pitifully. "No, Teddy –"_

"_Teddy is dead!" roared Harry. "And it's your fault!"_

"_It was not –"_

"_It was!" cried Fleur. "It's your fault that my baby girl and her husband are dead. If you hadn't been frolicking around London, pretending to play mum with their daughter, they wouldn't be dead."_

"_They asked me to baby sit Emma."_

_Harry smashed his hand down on a table that had appeared out of nowhere. "That's not an excuse! You were meant to be back twenty minutes before you turned up and by then you were too late! They were dead! And it _is_ your fault!"_

_My cries filled the commonroom and suddenly, Harry and Fleur were gone. I wasn't even standing in the commonroom anymore. I was walking through the thick, moss covered trees of the Forbidden Forest._

_My brown eyes fell upon the flame-haired girl striding beside me. She was breathtakingly stunning. She wore a white wedding down and pretty tears were sliding down her pale cheeks. She turned her wet ocean-blue eyes on me and they were filled with sadness and blame._

"_Victoire," I croaked._

"_How long have you loved him?" she demanded._

"_I..."_

"_How long, Norah?"_

_I sighed. "Sixteen years, four months, twenty-three days."_

_Her sharp look softened and she approached me in a cautious way. "I always knew, Norah. I knew when we were in school. I knew when he proposed. I knew when we got married. I knew when we had Emma. Why didn't you ever tell him?"_

_Good question, Vic._

"_Because I was afraid. Because I thought that I had plenty of time. And when he brought you around to my place after he asked you to marry him, I knew that you were meant for him, not me. I never told him because I knew it would never last."_

_Victoire's arms tightened around me. "You know, he really did love you so much, just as much as me. Just in a different way, that's all."_

OOO

**If only night could hold you where I can see you, my love**

**Then let me never ever wake again**

I woke up with tears running down my face and a concerned Emma kneeling over me. "Norah?" she asked, grabbing my hand in her little one. "Norah, are you okay?"

I smiled weakly and wiped at my eyes. "Yeah, I'm fine."

"You always say that when you cry," the little girl accused with a frown. Her hair shifted to strawberry red and she looked so much like her mum that I almost started crying again.

"Do you know what today is?" I asked her, pulling her into my lap and setting the blanket over her clammy legs.

"No," Emma shook her head, her once-more blue hair shaking with it.

"Today is January the fourteenth," I said slowly, taking slow breaths, making sure that I would not choke up. "It's mummy and daddy's special day. Their anniversary."

"Am I going with Uncle Harry and Auntie Dom to the vemetery?"

I smiled. "Cemetery. And yes. Auntie Dom is picking you up at twelve o'clock."

"Are you going, Norah?" asked Emma, grabbing a stray lock of my brown hair.

"Not with you. You're going with your family."

A little frown marred her features and she released the curl of hair. "But you _are_ family, Norah. Auntie Dom and Auntie Ginny says so."

I grin at her. "Maybe. But you're going with all the Weasleys, alright?"

"Alright."

I glanced at my alarm clock. It was nearly half past eleven. That left me the whole day to –

Half past eleven!

Wait! What?

I leaned over and flicked my curtain over. The sun was high over head. I turned to the dishevelled, pyjama-clad toddler in my lap. I had half an hour to get her bathed and dressed.

"Wanna play a game, sweetie?" Emma's eyes widened in excitement. "It's called, Let's Beat Norah to the Tub. On your marks, get set, go!"

* * *

I knocked on the door. It was nearly twelve-thirty at night (or rather, in the morning) and I wondered if they'd still be awake. Doubt it. Emma shifted in her sleep and dug her head into my shoulder. I hoisted the girl up a little higher on my hip. It had been hard for her today. She'd come back from the cemetery with tears clinging to her cheeks, but she didn't really understand why. She was only three when they died, after all.

"Who's there?"

"It's me. It's Norah."

The door opened, revealing a woman in her early fifties. Her red hair was messy, and she had a book in her hand. Her pyjamas were rumpled.

"Hi, Ginny," I breathed in relief. "Sorry, did I wake you?"

She stood by to let me past. "No, I was reading. How are you, Norah?"

I shrugged. "Not so great. I was wondering if you would mind Emma for the night?"

"Of course, that's no trouble," said Ginny slowly. "Can I ask why?"

I sighed. "I'm going to the cemetery."

The red-head smiled sadly. "I'm glad you're finally able to."

I let Ginny, who had let me and Teddy practically live at their house through the summers, pry Emma out of my arms. The little girl did not wake as I helped Ginny carry her stuff upstairs.

"Lily's here tonight," Ginny whispered conversationally. I think she was trying to keep my mind off what I was preparing to do, knowing that I might talk myself out of it at any second. "She got a few days off work for the anniversary."

Lily Potter was eighteen. She played Quidditch internationally, and was off living in Bulgaria, the last I heard. Harry is so proud.

We settled Emma into one of the boys' old beds and left the room. We padded softly down the stairs and back to the front door.

"I'm glad you've chosen to do this, Norah," Ginny said sincerely, pulling me into a tight, motherly embrace. "You need to start letting go."

"Thanks, Gin. I'll pick her up tomorrow."

"Don't worry about it. Take a jacket, it'll be cold!"

I assured her that I would and walked down the pathway, before apparating straight to the gates of the cemetery.

It _was_ cold. The wind bit at what little skin I had exposed. There was an eerie mist hanging over the grounds as I stepped over the chain that blocked entry to the graveyard. I took a breath.

_You can do this, Norah. You need to do this. It's time to heal._

**And maybe tonight, we'll fly so far away**

**We'll be lost before the dawn...**

I edged wearily through the mist, peering at the names carved in the headstones as I went. I knew vaguely whereabouts they were, but I hadn't visited in three years, as everyone keeps reminding me.

My breath rattled from my chest when I read the name on a large white stone, protruding from the frigid earth. Victoire Lupin. I shut my eyes and walked to the next one.

It might seem cold of me, to walk past her grave like that, but it wasn't her I needed to say goodbye to. We weren't overly close. It was only one person that I couldn't seem to get out of my head, who always made me wake in tears. I opened my eyes.

_Teddy Lupin_.

My knees collapsed and I sank to the ground. I leaned my head against the cool marble of his headstone and closed my eyes once more, my tears falling freely.

**Somehow I know that we can't wake again from this dream**

**It's not real, but it's ours**

OOO

"_Hello. I'm Teddy," the kid stuck his hand out at me. I shook it warily, not making eye contact. "Is it your first year?"_

_I nodded, still not looking at his face. I was standing on the Platform, the right one by the looks of things. An enormous scarlet steam train was puffing in front of me. The giant-man called Hagrid told me to wait here until the whistle blew, and then to quickly get on the train and find a compartment. He'd been in a bit of a hurry and felt guilty about leaving me. I assured the enormous man that I'd be fine._

"_Where are your parents?" the boy asked._

_I frowned at the wooden planks I was standing on. "Not here."_

"_Why not?"_

_What was _with_ this kid?_

"_Because they don't want me to be a witch. They're, um... I can't remember what they're called, but they don't like... this."_

"_Muggles?" the kid supplied helpfully._

_I looked up. My brown eyes widened at his shock of blue hair. It was the colour of fresh blueberries and it looked so strange. Yet, I couldn't deny that it suited the perky little chap. "Yeah. They're muggles."_

_He nodded thoughtfully, still watching me. "What's your name?"_

"_Norah."_

"_Well, I'll see you at Hogwarts then, Norah. Maybe we'll be in the same house."_

"_Okay. Bye..."_

_He turned to walk away, but stopped, seeing my forlorn expression. "Do you wanna find a compartment together?" he asked._

_I nodded. "Yeah. Alright."_

_He grabbed my hand again and helped me onto the train. _

OOO

**And maybe tonight, we'll fly so far away**

**We'll be lost before the dawn...**

I laughed into the icy marble, my tears almost freezing as they ran down my cheeks and onto the stone. "Oh, Teddy... You were the most annoying little boy that day, I swear."

My eyes were still closed but I was aware that I was kneeling in the dirt, with my head resting on his gravestone.

"Emma's fine. I wish I could ask you why you picked me to be her guardian. I mean, Harry and Fleur both thought they would be asked to look after her. Emma misses you, but she doesn't realise it."

I took a deep breath. I needed this. I needed to get better.

"I miss you, Teddy. I can't... breathe easy anymore and I keep crying. I can't... imagine going through everything alone. You were my friend, Ted, my very best friend. We were closer than siblings. I just... I can't deal with this," I sobbed. "I can't cope without you.

"Teddy, I can barely sleep at night. I keep dreaming about you. I can't look at Emma without thinking of you and I can't even write a decent song anymore."

I gasped, feeling a new wave of raw sadness wash over me, emptying from my shivering body in a tsunami of tears. "It's like you died and decided to take half of me with you. But I need it back now. I need to get better."

I moved a hand down to the dirt and grabbed a fistful. "I don't know if you can hear me, Ted, but I need you to figure out a way and listen. I want to say goodbye. I know I'm three years too late, but I couldn't before. I just couldn't."

I sank down lower against the headstone, my cheek nearly pressed against the sparse grass. "I'm sorry I was late that day," I whispered, thinking back to the day we had come back to their cottage, twenty minutes late, to find them both murdered on the floor. "Emma wanted to look at the ducks, so I took her down to the lake. If I'd have known... Teddy, I'm sorry."

I took a great shuddering breath.

"I loved you. I loved you since first year, when you defended me from those Slytherin bullies, Nicholas Flint and his cronies. They used to tease me about my stutter, remember? It's gone now; you'd never guess that I used to stammer. Actually, do you remember that year? You'd spend every Friday night making me read your textbooks to you, just so that it'd go away. It did, Ted. Thank you, if I never said it.

"I loved you in third year, when you made the Quidditch team. Harry was beside himself with pride. He could barely watch your first match without wetting himself. Almost as proud as me.

"I loved you in our Seventh Year, when you were Head Boy. You never gave a detention or took a point. You didn't like telling off the students. I used to laugh at you about it. I loved you when you left school and you were immediately accepted into the Aurors. I loved you like no other, save for one.

"Your bride."

I coughed and shivered and pulled my jacket tighter around my shoulders. My voice hurt from talking to him so much.

"Victoire was so good for you, Teddy. And even though I was... painfully in love with you, I could see that. I could see your eyes when you talked about her and I heard the stress in your voice when you asked me if you should see her off on the train that year. I told you to go, do you remember? It nearly killed me, but I said it anyway.

"She loved you so much, Teddy. She loved you as much as I did. I had a dream last night and Victoire told me that she knew. She asked me why I never told you. I answered her and she told me that you really did love me. Just in a different way."

I shuddered. The moon was nearly gone, dawn would be coming soon.

"I haven't been able to visit you until I had that dream, Teddy. Because I couldn't see the way you loved me. I couldn't understand how you had two girls who were both perfect halves for you, but you picked the other. You could have picked me, Ted. But I know how you loved me now. I know. And... even if it wasn't what I desperately wanted, it was enough for me, Teddy. Just your friendship was a blessing... the best thing in my life."

I glanced at the sky. It was tinged pink and gold and silver, and all the colours in between. It was beautiful, this dawn. So much more delicate than the others. This would be _my_ dawn, my beginning, my clean slate. It was a new day.

**Maybe tonight, we'll fly so far away**

**We'll be lost before the dawn...**

"I have to go now, Teddy, but I'll be back sooner this time. Good bye. I love you."

Shakily, I pulled myself to my feet. I pressed my fingers to my frozen lips and then to the white marble beneath his name. I turned, briefly running a hand over Victoire's headstone, and left the cemetery, feeling considerably lighter.

Not happy. Not yet. But that'll come, in time.

All I needed was time.

**Maybe tonight, we'll fly so far away**

**We'll be lost before the dawn...**

**

* * *

**

**AN: Yeah. I think I'm obsessed with angsty one-shots now... Sooo... what d'ya think? I know, I know: Teddy shouldn't be with anyone but Victoire, but c'mon, you gotta pity Norah in this story. She didn't even stand a chance, huh?**

**I think I'm on a roll here, three updates in a week, isn't it? Yep. Go me. School tomorrow though, so it'll probably slow down a bit... Speaking of which, I wonder if I should be writing my essay instead of this...? **

**Please review!**

**xxx**


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